The Look

I'm pretty most people are familiar with the look I want to talk about. It's that look full of hatred from a stranger. Someone who usually does not know your name, or your likes, or your family, or what you want to be when you're older, or what makes you cry during movies, or what kind of songs make you sing along, or why you smile when you see a certain picture, or why you're you.


The other day, I was sitting in a public space with my girlfriend (Susan). Our kind of Public Display of Affection (PDA) is leaning into each other when we're sitting beside the other, nothing else. We're not overly clingy or anything like that and still, this man we'd never seen before walked by us and he stared to blatantly at us that I felt uncomfortable. Not only did he stare at us as if we'd fallen from the sky, he also grimaced and muttered something under his breath.

Susan comes from a wholesome family, and she's very comfortable with herself but I am pretty much the opposite. I don't usually care what others think, but this stranger managed to rile me up. This man made me feel as if I were dirty, disgusting, or doing something inappropriate. 

The look on his face made me tear up. Susan patted me and told me not to pay attention to him, but she does not understand. When I got home, I cried on my mother's lap because this stranger had given me a look of such pure hatred  because I was sitting with my sweetie. We were doing nothing wrong, and yet we get to experience this negativity. I don't know if I want to know what he muttered under his breath or not.

Regardless, it bothers me how ignorant some people are. They make such negative comments because they have no familiar face to tag when they say these things. I'm sure that if a son/daughter, nephew/niece, brother/sister came out to them as part of the LGBT+ community, they would think twice before saying/ doing the awful things they do. That's my rant for today.

Good vibes to all.

Everybody's Changing

There's this song that's been stuck in my head by Keane called Everybody's Changing. I'll link it here so you can have it stuck in yours as well.

I wasn't sure what to call this post because my mind is kind of messy today. It's been a while since I've posted anything; I realized having a public diary is sometimes messy. It makes me (and anyone else who keeps on as well) face head-on what we feel. It's a good thing because there's always others who go through the same or similar situations, but it's hard nonetheless.


Lately, I've been all over the place with my moods. I want to tell my close friends what's going on, but I feel like I'm whining. I feel like I have no right to complain because I have a house, food, water, a bed, and overall good health. Unfortunately, that doesn't help the bad feelings go away. It becomes hard to focus on tasks, hard to focus in class and hard to follow the witty conversations between friends. When I find something worth focusing on, it doesn't seem as important to others.

All of that has contributed to me keeping to myself, for the most part. It's not a great feeling, but I've been learning to manage it. What's the right balance between sharing and dealing with it internally? I'm not sure. Some people believe it's better to be an open book, and talking about problems helps. Others think it's better to not worry others and deal with it alone. I'm not sure where I fall on that spectrum. For the most part, I think it's good to share but when I have my dark days, I want to be left alone.

For some reason, my good days are starting to blend into the bad ones and now there's no good or bad day. There's always a little bit of both. I'm never quite sure of how I feel, but I've learned that if I feel good or bad, I should just ride the wave and try not to dwell too much. Hopefully I get to leave this funky state soon.

Lots of good vibes to you all.