Too Close To Home

My oldest sister was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in 2011. She was in remission for a year or so. This past March, she was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. It was the first time I'd ever heard her say: "I have about X time left."


Living with a family member that has Cancer is not easy. Yes, they are probably hurting and suffering a lot more, but Cancer doesn't just affect the patient. Everyone around them is affected too. Especially family. The ups and downs are a confusing emotional roller coaster. I used to keep my feelings hidden, because I thought: "I'm not the victim, I should focus on supporting her."

The truth is that you cannot support them if you do not take care of yourself first. Health-wise, emotionally, and spiritually. I stopped eating, then I couldn't sleep with the nightmares, and then I started shutting out my support group of friends. My moods were up and down and I felt like I was losing control of myself.

It is not easy to deal with the feelings of guilt (because those "I wish it were me and not them" thoughts are really damn loud sometimes), and the feelings of helplessness are enough to drive anyone mad. Sometimes, I'd go out with my friends and have a great time and once I got home I'd break down crying. I kept thinking: I wish she could be there too. I wish she could be laughing right beside me, feeling as good as I do at this moment.

Sometimes I hear a song about how you only have one life, and I'll break down crying. Sometimes a student or a professor makes a comment that reminds me of her, and I'll take a bathroom break to cry it out. I think of all the things I want her to experience, the things she wants to experience before leaving and I am incredibly worried that she will not have enough time to do it all. I think of her children and how they will feel. I think of losing them, the last thing I'll have left of her. I think of all the good times we've had together, and how grateful I am to have her in my life. Basically, I reflect every day on our relationship and how precious each relationship is. I do all that I can to keep that communication with her, and I try not to think about the soft tick tock of the clock.

 If there's one thing I've learned during this time, it's this: you need to cry. Holding it in doesn't do any good. You have to be able to cry and let yourself feel sad for a little bit. Don't wallow in it, just let it be and it'll fade away.

Also, having a support system is vital. I have a handful of friends (I can count them and have fingers left) that I trust my life with. I tell them when something's wrong and I keep them up to date. If they're real friends, they'll know when to leave you alone.

And finally, you have the good days when you get good news about their treatment, or something good that's happened in their life. It's all about your perspective and keeping positive, but I find those days to be quite bittersweet. I cry but I smile. Cancer plays with your heartstrings, and it plays a poignant melody.